Distractions…Distractions…
A thousand thoughts in my mind and I can’t pick one of them. If I’d just allow myself to rest, to take the time to unfurl the clenched fists that bleeds onto white sheets and stains its coat with a deep red brilliance, maybe I’d learn that my ego loves the color its left with. I wonder why at times I don’t allow myself time to rest before venturing onto a new task? My mind confounded with new ideas, different revelations, more things to learn, worlds to explore—its intoxicating, exciting, humbling, overwhelming, tiring and then finally…a distraction.
Distractions feel so beautiful sometimes. They feel like an absorption of complete attention; I’m consumed by the story of another. I wish to be consumed by that which I am distracted by. Whether than is another person, a good book, a beautiful fragrance, the songs my plants sing to me or a reflective piece of art—I’m looking to be immersed in its presence until it absolves my own.
And I wonder about that. I wonder what it is about the feeling of being absorbed, being selfless in the presence of distractions that a part of me craves? My teacher beckons me to reflect on the ways that I use some of my spiritual energy and natural intuitive processes to be absorbed into another, to merge with them completely and in the process lose myself. Maybe that’s why sex feels like a holy space of connection as opposed to release. A tension that allows for me to break free from performance and be immersed in my body, in the moment, completely merged with another as he loses himself inside of me again and again. Wondering where I end, and he begins—who knows and who cares as we crash into each other until one of us has had enough.
And in the aftermath, there’s more merging. Now we get to reflect on the experience as we hold each other in our arms. My heart longs for the ability to touch another’s, to listen to a similar rhythmic beat and create our own vibrational tune. To be in love, to be present to another yet distracted from myself.
Maybe it’s my lesson right now to learn what it means to be present in these “distractions”. Instead of losing “me” what if I claim myself in the midst of each moment. What if I witness my thoughts and observe them as they pass through? What if I watch myself choose to learn new things, listen to different music, venture through new worlds? What if I watch as I become absorbed with the “distraction”, losing track of the small “me” but opening to the me that is always deeply connected to all that is. What if I learn to use this merging as a way of merging with The One?
Distractions aren’t all bad. Sometimes they are beautiful, wonderful, exciting, thought provoking, erotic and damn-right fun. But what if I didn’t need distractions to distance myself from that egoic self? What if I could mindfully merge while observing each moment in a space of presence instead of loss of self. And what if I learned how to stand as fully present with the larger “Self”?
Does it even exist? It must..or how could I think of it? Could I even do it? I must…or why am I asking it? Is it so difficult? Perhaps…but struggle is often worth it. And I’m tired of leaving pieces of myself behind to merge with smaller ones when I know I’m in search of something bigger, something all encompassing, the Oneness I prayed to merge into.
Distractions are distractions…but distractions might be the thing that leads me back home.
Into remembrance.
Genuinely Jannah 