Romance, Love, and Aloneness

“Never treat any person as a means. Treat everybody as an end in himself, in herself—then you don’t cling, then you are not attached. You love, but your love gives freedom—and, when you give freedom to the other, you are free. Only in freedom does your soul grow.” Love, Freedom, Aloneness: The Koan of Relationships: Osho

In a culture that proclaims to be vastly individualistic—romantic relationships have quickly become the overall goal for acquiring love, commitment, and acceptance. While love in itself is a wonderful feeling and emotion, the apparent stressed importance of experiencing love through romantic relationships seems to be a bit exaggerated. For decades, the mentality of ‘finding one’s other half’ has been marketed and sold to the masses. Books, movies and social media (a.k.a ‘relationship goals’) serve to reemphasize this apparent importance of ‘finding your other half’. However, something that is even more important than securing a romantic relationship is nurturing the relationship with ourselves.

When we talk about looking for our “better half”, we subconsciously enable this idea that wholeness relies upon someone else. While love is integral to our being, it does not only lie within the confines of a romantic relationship. Wholeness, as well as love, is self-made. When we are able to maintain this truth— that we came into this earth as fully whole and capable beings- the search stops for someone or something else to complete us. Time has proven again and again that no amount of external validation, gifts or people will mask how we feel about ourselves internally. A person can love us with everything they have but it will never amount as much to us loving ourselves.

Furthermore, when we sit in our wholeness we are able to accept being alone. Aloneness is not to be confused with loneliness. Loneliness speaks of lack; feeling that something is missing or being incomplete. Very often, loneliness is the feeling that one runs away from when they are in futile search of something external to complete them. Aloneness, however, is maintaining personal individuality, love, presence and being. When one sits in their aloneness, their validation, love, and wholeness come from within- from the acceptance of who they are, the enjoyment of what they like and knowledge of simply being enough. When a person is able to come to this remembering- that they always have been and are whole, then those proceeding relationships come from choice and not a necessity. This means that if someone is not treating us the way we deserve to be treated, we leave. Being alone isn’t a threat to our happiness, not honoring ourselves is. If someone not in alignment with us and our path, we bid them farewell and wish them the best. Life is a journey for each of us so why would we knowingly restrict someone else’s or even our own experience and growth?

Going through the process of nurturing ourselves, sitting in aloneness and embracing our wholeness allows for the most beautiful of relationships to form: the one with ourselves. When a partner does show up—just as whole and loving—one gets to experience a love that is not based on conditions of filling a void but is fulfilling, nurturing and free.

Achieving Wholeness through Self-Care

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If I was a day of the week, I would definitely be Sunday. Sundays, for many, are days spent in reflection on the past week, communion with God, enjoying time with loved ones or simply sitting in silence. For me, Sunday’s are my self-care days – a full day dedicated to listening and doing whatever it is that I want to do.

Packed with the knowledge that each person will have their own ideas of what self-care actually looks like, how do we define it? Self-care is simply the practice of taking action to improve or preserve one’s health. This can mean physically, mentally or spiritually. Ideally, self-care consists of a combination of all three- nurturing the mind, body, and soul to foster love, kindness, and compassion to oneself. However, self-care also includes more raw details such as holding space for oneself in the midst of stress, pain or grief. Basically, anything that entails leading to a better and healthier you fall under the scope of self-care.

I personally consider myself a self-care connoisseur. I love being relaxed, soothed and peaceful. For me, self-care is essential to my daily life. There are a numerous amount of ways that one can incorporate a self-care day or practice into their daily routine. It all depends on what you believe is best for you. A simple practice that I have been cultivating over the last year or so is simply sitting in silence or meditation at the beginning of my day and asking myself “Jannah, what do you need from me today?” Although it may sound a bit odd, this simple questions allows me to create a space in which I am completely in tune and listening to myself and my own needs. It is very often that we are consumed with doing what others want us to do or even doing things we don’t want to do – but feel we have to. How does our subconscious process this behavior? In the act of listening to others over ourselves, we reinforce this internal idea that we are not as important as the rest of the world. In reality, the world will continue spinning regardless if we take 5-10 minutes to take care of ourselves. Time will not stop. Life will continue to go on. As soon as we are finished, we can return to our tasks, duties, and obligations with our complete and total attention. If we don’t take care of ourselves than who will? In truth, the most important person in this world who is need of love, attentiveness, and care from yourself is YOU. You deserve love, kindness, and compassion. You are enough. Love, embrace and nurture everything that you are – because you deserve it just as much as anyone else. So in the name of self-care ask yourself this very question – “___________, what do you need from me today?” See what answer you come up with. You may just surprise yourself.

Getting comfortable with fear

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When doing any type of therapy or healing work it’s important to look at old patterns that may be keeping one from experiencing a fuller, healthier conscious. This search often consists of a confrontation with oneself about things that may be prohibiting one from experiencing growth. In the midst of much research, I found find this reoccurring feeling which underlies the stagnation to any change: fear.

Fear can be defined as an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain or threaten. The very definition of fear gives a sense that one needs to be wary of this emotion, despite the fact that the whole of society is built upon it. Turn on the TV and our inner psyche is immediately filled with images and scenarios that provoke fear. Many of us live in houses, insulated with material comforts and entertainment for fear of living in discomfort. Many return to work with fears that if they don’t work they’ll be able to live sustainably. Many often don’t take chances for the fear of the outcome. What is it about fear that is so compelling?

Fear is a necessary learned emotion. If we were unable to feel fear in certain situations, we would then be unable to shield ourselves from hurtful or dangerous stimuli. However, fear in excess is more detrimental than it is helpful — often severely impacting our judgments and choices in situations. According to Lerner and Keltner (2001), in a study which assessed risk-taking, participants who felt fearful frequently made pessimistic judgments and choices which increased their perception of risk, in contrast to happy or angry participants who were unconcerned with risks and made judgments and choices that were optimistic in nature.

The biggest difference between a “fearful” and a “fearless” person is the comfort one has with unpredictability. Like the participants in the study, “fearless” people are known for embracing unpredictability. It does not mean that one does not have fears; it only means that it does not impact their judgments and decisions. Often, in avoiding confrontations of fear one may consequently miss out on opportunities to experience growth. In fully allowing ourselves to both question and experience those fears, we are often able to conquer and transform them.

Here are some prompts that are helpful when encountering fear:

In the midst of experiencing fear, ask yourself this question: “What am I actually afraid of?” Then ask, “What is the worst outcome of this situation? Would I be able to endure said outcome?” Taking chances in life can enable many memorable and teachable experiences. Rarely are their chances that one takes without the ability to learn something whether it is about themselves or other people. It is usually the chances that we don’t take that end up stunting opportunities for personal growth.

If there is a job, project or task that you have been hesitating to complete, do it. Even if it fails, you now have learned lessons that you can take to future projects you wish to complete. If you need to quit a habit, quit it. If you don’t start today, when will you start? If you have some healing to do, please heal. Tomorrow is not promised and nothing in this world is eternal. Try to get comfortable with the idea that you will never have all of the answers. We do not know what happens next and that’s okay. Perhaps this knowledge will give us a chance to truly enjoy what we have while it’s within our grasp.

References:

Lamia, Mary C. “The Complexity of Fear.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, 15 Dec. 2011, www.psychologytoday.com/blog/intense-emotions-and-strong-feelings/201112/the-complexity-fear.

Lerner, J. & Keltner, D. (2001). Fear, anger, and risk. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 2001. 81:1, 146–159.

A heart opener…

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How many lifetimes must we live in order to become who we’ve always been?

How many failures must we endure?

How much sensation can the body hold?

It is not my mind that writes

Not the pen in between my fingers

Not the feeling of keys on a keyboard declining,

bouncing back up to meet my fingertips

You see – these words flow from the heart

With a surety that even I can’t describe

All I know is that creativity;

The ability to write,

to sing,

to paint,

to love,

The birth

Creativity is a gift from the wonderous Being above

I don’t have all of the answers;

Most times I’m barely sure of anything

But what I am certain of

Is the guiding force The One is

Leading me to passages and roads that I never would’ve thought I’d experience

And so,

Embodying that divinity, sharing this human experience

The integration of ego and spirit,

The cultivation of the experience of the divine

Is a life’s work I wish to express

For that is the truest work of creativity

The art of being,

Then ascending

Welcome to my world