Releasing Enmeshment

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It is not my job to take on anyone else’s energy.

It is not my job to shift or transmute anyone’s energy.

People are responsible for their own feelings.

People are responsible for creating their own reality.

People are responsible for their own energy.

——

I come from a background of being highly sensitive to perceived conflict, disruption and/or anger. I would often find that I’d brace myself for blows of complaints, negative emotion or blame as an attempt to calm down my nervous system & “keep the peace”. To be deeply affected by someone else’s energy often felt like an attack on my own and I found it hard to remain impartial to the force of other people’s emotions. It didn’t matter whether they were happy or upset, I careful observed the “energy” of the person, assessing their current state of emotions so that I could perceive whether or not my emotional well-being was in threat of being compromised.

In some ways, this can be helpful because the ability to be deeply empathetic enables us to share intimacy with others. However, the shadow side of empathy is enmeshment and codependency—where we are unable to remain grounded in our own body, our own energy due to being affected by the force of someone else’s. Or perhaps we rush to “save” someone stating that we just want to serve others at the sacrifice of our own well-being. This often causes us to become overwhelmed, isolate or (in my own personal case), people please. In truth, this complex is a dishonor to embodying our own energy and remaining in our power.

As a counselor, I deal with peoples emotions everyday. I’m getting to a place in my life where I am able to observe other people’s emotions and distance them from my own. To take on someone else’s energy with an attempt to change it can often be..well quite honestly narcissistic. In reality we have no power to change someone else’s emotions. We have no power to transmute someone’s individual energy. That is a job left up to that individual and God. The times are gone where we are overly responsible or taking accountability for someone else’s feelings. Or perhaps picking up someone else’s baggage, just praying to save them. But reality is, saving someone else won’t help you to save yourself. Each person is responsible for themselves. Their pain is not yours to fix, to transmute. And that, at least for me is a breath of relief. Because with letting this go, I can focus on my energy, my path and unapologetically embodying my joy. And others can meet me on that path with their own.

Healing as a Community Effort

My Home

One of the biggest core wounds I’ve had to heal is doubting myself. Perhaps, it stems from generational trauma: a burden earned from my identity as a Black Muslim woman in North America. I can remember from the time I began grade school that I had in innate need to excel. And this need was driven by a passion to be accepted, to be validated in ways that perhaps my ancestors could not have for themselves. My mother would constantly remind: “You have to work three times just as hard as the next person. Why? You are black, you are Muslim and you are a woman. You are the most hated thing this country has ever seen but never let that deter you from your destiny.”

Memories like these haunt me as I sit in spaces of people dripping of privilege. While I cannot deny my own privilege (having the means and intellect to read, write and work in well-known and established institutions), I cannot deny the trauma experienced from having my hopes and dreams seemingly mitigated by shields of disadvantage. And believe me: I am not the only one. What say you of those whom have been wrongfully incarcerated; having their rights stripped away? What say you of working-class families, whose parents did not have the opportunity to send their children to private schools, colleges and universities? Or immigrant families, forced from their homes into a spaces where they are unwelcomed, ostracized from society as the “other”. We live in a society that separates us not only by color, but by class through means of mental acuity, physique and economic standing.

For those of us whom are deeply empathetic to the struggles of others, we often ask ourselves “what can I do to help”? Its quite admirable honestly; even with our own innate feelings of unworthiness, we still stand for others. But even this can be a trap. How can one untether themselves from their own trauma through fighting for anothers? I must be candid and ask- who will stand and fight for yours? Nevertheless, it is often through this cyclical cycle of seeking healing externally that God grants us the wisdom to finally be able forgive ourselves in ways that we never could before. Our stories are just stories: a culmination of memories, experiences and perceptions all charged with the task of bringing us to your depths. Of helping us understand ourselves. And perhaps…perhaps through this revelation, one finds the strength to look in the mirror and accept who they see. Beautifully so, as time has proven through hearing each others stories, staring at familiar and unfamiliar faces and images, visiting spaces that reminds of us of home, reflecting on the uniqueness of each of our stories—we somehow find healing.

I don’t claim to know everything, in fact I believe that I barely know anything at all. But what I am sure of is that through seeing the humanity of one another, we build systems of healing. I know that through supporting works derived from intrinsic truths, we project strength that allows for others to stand in their own authenticity. I’ve witnessed how beautifully and intricately interconnected we are to one another and how this connection is proof in a greater Divine being that ties us all together.

We all have healing to do. We have generations of trauma, of withstanding pain, of quietly allowing injustice to breed resentment within our being. From these passions given to us from The One we are called to a higher purpose of embodying the righteous qualities that exists within God Himself. We are called to a higher purpose of breaking illusions–helping one another, being kind, reminding one another who we truly are. We are called to a higher purpose of experiencing this existence. Of experiencing humanness, of experiencing Him. Be sure that your experience is one that is well-worth the journey.

 

Screams from the Silent

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At times I feel meekly paralyzed
Covering my face at the shame of gruesome deeds
If one could perhaps rip the blindfold from their heart
Lay each story onto a scale and measure them
They’d be horrified at the punchlines we’ve been sold;
One man with limbs marred by pavements heat in the scorching summer
Somewhere near 96th Street
Onlookers watch gazes filled of disgust
And I, I disappear into the crowd
Stomach full of lead
Or perhaps the woman with two children
One upright, one decrepit
As she stumbles up and down flights with purse, babe and stroller in hand
Mere seconds from plunging to her demise
But her worry is with is the place she needs to go,
the mouths she need to feed,
the work she must return to
Never mind patrons passing idly along stairs until she trips on the first child,
Another rushing to grasp the falling carriage from her hands
As she tumbles down 8 flights, child firmly clasped to her chest
Woe to these current times—
Profit at the demise of our brothers
Without the means to purchase tombstones for graveyards
While others are sipping from gold plated cups
Until one sees the face of God within themselves
It is hard to see God in the needy man with burnt limbs;
The wailing child dangling from the mother’s arms;
The man on Wall Street stuffing his mouth with gold
I am horrifically guilty—
Wishing for the return of my innocence

 

The Empty

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Take a moment to empty yourself

Release all identities

All perceptions

Become like a child

Open in its awareness

Curious to what God has to offer it

All that it knows is its knowing

Its seeing

Its hearing

Empty yourself of yourself

Turn to God and seek Him in silence

Immerse yourself in the depths

Cleanse your being

Empty your vessel of all that it cant contain

All that distorts reality

All the is subjective in nature

Turn to nature and seek thyself

Oh, once you empty yourself

You will find God lingering in the containment of your being

Pulsations in the Abyss

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Please take care of me

I want you mentally, physically

Deep inside of me

As skin touches

Until breath evades us

Until you don’t know where you end and I begin

.

Sensations of nails dragging across your skin

Soft, sweet kisses

Long pauses

Seduction

Eroticism

Tantric love

Pulsating deep within the abyss

Praying to God as tears fall up toward the heavens

.

Pushing, pulling

Tasting salty-sweet liquid running down luminous valleys

Grasping on to clumps of feathers

Praying to swallow the moment alive

.

Take care of me…

Mentally, emotionally, spiritually

I honestly cant even put into words–

.

Dragging and pulling at flesh

Sinking into deep waters

Gently opening the folds of each petal

Teasing honey from beneath the leaves

The wind carrying our cries to God

For the freedom of death

.

Circling tiny knots of ecstasy

Building pressure

Dragging, pulling, bones kissing bones

A whisper– “Dear God

Flesh caught between teeth

Nipping at the base of veins

Blood boiling, straining

Tangled in a web of stiches

Clinging onto each-others wings

Until we reach the top

..and leap from the heavens into the greatest crescendo

Propelling into oblivion

Finding freedom in release