Cultivating awareness, transcendence and love
The Art of Disappearing
A cup of tea neglected on the kitchen counter
Waiting for the scorching heat to cool down so that
I might sip from its contents
.
Selfishly, the tea stands as
My longing to be comforted
.
Yet it sits—
Three hours later
In a cold heap
honey sitting at the bottom of the cup
.
I’ve forgotten
What it feels like
To be warmed from the inside out
Just as those have forgotten
What it feels like
To be loved by me
.
And maybe that’s Gods blessing
Allowing myself to be
Forgotten
I’ve been in a space of deep-seated anger.
Deep-seated anger—you know, the type of anger that makes you feel restless. When you hear something that feels so contrary to your nature, you feel the slightest bit of resistance in your body and suddenly, the need to lash out! To yell, to scream “SEE ME! HEAR ME! Feel me”
Yeah, that type of anger.
I think we each feel it. It’s been such a wild two years hasn’t it? All the hopes and dreams of what we built on the fragility of “security” wasted away as a virus came in and snatch the rug from underneath our feet. Reminding us that safety and security was never quite that safe. Oh but we knew this. We knew it. Don’t lie—haven’t there been a many of times that you walked outside to take a stroll around the block and a young man smiled in your face, his eye lingering a bit longer than you’d like? And you found yourself confused, wondering “do I have something on my face?”
You felt it—in times were you were prompted to speak aloud in front of a group of people and not only to speak aloud but to speak CLEARLY. Efficiently. Effectively. To move people with a deep sense of conviction and admiration. And safety was stripped away just as quickly as you were asked to speak, wondering “what would they think about me?”
Living in the illusion of safety has helped us only in as so far as we are able to see it’s illusion. To understand that safety means to truly feel that you have a right to be here. Deep in your bones, to feel it vibrate in your soul, “I have a right to be here. To exist”. But a good majority of us do not feel this.
How could we? Our history is convoluted with so much pain and suffering, the stripping of our very humanity and oh, the tales and stories of slavery! A sure disease that makes us feel so unworthy.
Yeah, this anger is layered deep.
I’ve been frustrated. How have we sold ourselves a tale of lies? Lies that have made us so unseemingly, we have forgotten that to walk on this earth is not a privilege but a birth right. That to exist is to play out Gods plan perfectly and to create is to truly be free. I’ve been angry.
And so many will say—“a woman?? Angry? A black woman at that, not a foreign sight—it’s to be expected! They walk the earth so bitterly, of course you would find the likes of her angry.”
But you see…my anger is holy. From the same womb that created this existence, I gaze into your face and witness bliss. The sweet symphony of all of humanity, a gift that has been graced to touch the Holy Mother, as feet kiss the ground that created our flesh. As spirit sanctified our breath.
So you see, hell yeah, I’ve been angry. We are so much more that we have become to be if only we would allow ourself to ascend gracefully. To remind each other that money, prestige, the likes of intellect and the mind can hardly superseded the stirrings of the heart and spirit that created all that be.
I hope our anger allows us to wash to the shore of God’s feet and infinite awakening gently.
I pray that our anger allows us all to be free.
Lately, I’ve been attempting to find a new rhythm of spiritual practice, retrace my steps to relearn what it means to be an individual who serves God, who loves God and most importantly; who is God conscious. Do we absolve the meaning that intentionality brings in return for being a diligent soldier? Do we follow blindly without asking question, without coming to a deeper understanding of ourselves and God as One Union? And how do we allow ourselves to be properly yoked in the face of this magnificence that surrounds each one of us?
I’ve been searching for my relationship to the Ultimate to be much more prayerful. And silent all in the same instance.
You see, I was raised in a staunch Muslim background. I felt for most of my life, as I observed many of the practices of these wonderful, yet flawed individuals that there was missing the integral piece of clear-heartedness. It seemed that rituals were followed hollowly without true clear-heartedness- the sacred intention of wanting to be close to God for the love of this beautiful entity as opposed to guilt. Or fear.
When I actually think about it, many of these relationships included a sort of transactional dynamic between an individual and “the other”, which further perpetuated some reality of egotism. To believe that one is so important that they must be followed or ruled as some odd way of further proving this importance. I saw this in many peoples relationships not just with God but also, with authority figures; doctors/nurses, teachers and even parents.
It is true that many relationships on the outside definitely can operate in a transactional manner. “If you do this for me, I will love you more. If you don’t do this, I will hate you”, this is the idea isn’t it? In but so many words, we have continued to perpetuate this idea that our sense of worthiness, of being loved, cared for, accepted is dependent upon some outside validation of how good we are to other people. Of how good we are to the world. But the reality is that when you understand your inner worthiness apart from anyone else requiring it from you, this is when you truly are able to pour back into the world around you. How can we possibly expect to give freely, relentlessly and earnestly when we are giving from a place of needing someone else to validate us? We constantly place another’s mind and morality at the forefront of our consumption, needing someone, ANYONE to tell us that we’re good enough. And the real reason we need someone to tell us this is because we don’t believe it within ourselves. Thus, I feel this same fallacy, we project onto The Most High.
Tapping into the reality of God, for me at least, this being feels limitless. Merciful at the forefront, He see’s to the core of who we truly are. Seeing deeper than a meaningless identity of “this is who I am today and that’s who I was yesterday”, yet still allowing for us to experience this being through this very identity. So many stay perched on the surface level of who God is, believing that we are created in His image. Many believe that God has “likes and dislikes” and judges according to our feeble human affairs. That God takes human beings at face value and labels each of us as “good or bad”. A surface level, that places mans own ideology of morality and value at the forefront, instead of understanding and loving the intricacy of God’s nature and thus, failing to fall in love with their own.
What a gift life is when we are able to tune into the truth of who we have always been. We are able to tap into this limitlessness and relinquish false identities. Perched at the base of God’s throne, we recognize how small we are, and thank Him for it. I’d always marveled at the unique ability that religion sought to give tools and a means of absolving oneself in favor of the whole.
And The Whole is harmonious. It is also chaotic. It is an active and alive universe, with so many things happening in each instant since the beginning of time—it is expanding and releasing planets, while other ones die, when the star is absolved into a deep black hole and plunged into nothingness…What then is left behind? Then do the words of an abusive mother matter? Does the car that cuts you off on the way to work even make a dent in the reality of the cosmos? Does that emotion that you thought you’d NEVER get over, make its way back up to the heavens? Does man become that important to the grand scheme of creation?
Numerous times have I found myself at the precipice of grand self-importance. Maybe because I felt that if none of this meant anything, then God would dissolve itself. But at the ending of my identity, there is the beginning of the nameless, the formless that does not speak. But simply exists.
Lately, I’ve been trying to find a new rhythm of spiritual practice, retracing the rituals of old, the intentionality of my ancestors, the prayers that protected their graves. I’d searched so far only to come back to the place I’d started. Recognizing that to find God, the search must discontinue deep enough for me to dissolve myself, my separation, my opinion and distance. To melt back into this Majestic Creator who had always lingered deep within.
I pray that you find the strength to let go of yourself. Simply, to find yourself.
Xx
Heaven
Have you ever felt depleted or burnt out from being a little too social?
I love people. I enjoy my work, I love my friends, my family, I love laughing and creating memories. But being around many people for extended periods of time also really drains the hell out of me. While I’m able to enjoy being present, engaged and charismatic in social groups, I’m also cognizant of the constant need for grounding and solitude that plights me each time I interact extensively with another person.
It’s actually quite common to lose energy from being around people for extended periods of time. While everyone is admittedly unique in their own way, this phenomenon often gets categorized into ‘introversion’. To add to that, being a highly-sensitive person also comes with the caveat of also being sensitive to feeling others energy, emotions or tension. As a result of being so open to life experiences and emotions, it can often be quite overwhelming if one is unable to ground themselves.
In social situations, the brain is stimulated and dopamine gets released. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter which helps regulate the brain’s pleasure and reward system. It is also linked to the sympathetic side of the nervous system, which puts us in a state of full throttle or “fight or flight”. ‘Extroverts’, in particular, have a more active dopamine reward network so they need more dopamine in order to feel pleasure. Introverts, however, don’t need much stimuli in order to experience excitement or pleasure. In fact, when dopamine gets flooded into their brain and the body responds to excitement they also feel quite overwhelmed!
The most interesting part of this is that the ‘introvert brain’ is more favorable to another neurotransmitter that is linked to the brain’s pleasure center, called acetylcholine. Acetylcholine is linked to the parasympathetic side which is responsible for “rest and relaxation”. So how do introverts thrive and receive the most pleasure in their daily life? Turning inward, being quiet, in solitude and relaxed. This is key to understand because introverts are not stealing away moments of silence or solitude because their loved ones are intolerable to hang around. Alone time is simply what they need in order to recharge.
While I adore being around my loved ones sometimes I need space to feel all of my own energy. It is important to cultivate a balanced routine in which one is able to experience the love, laughter, and joy their social network/connections bring but also pull back enough to recharge and restore. The best way we can serve others is by pouring love, rest and care into ourselves first. So go ahead; take a couple of hours of silence and enjoy the energy others are eagerly expecting you to bring to their presence. If you don’t show up for yourself, how can you for anyone else?
References: The Science behind Introversion and Extroversion
“Never treat any person as a means. Treat everybody as an end in himself, in herself—then you don’t cling, then you are not attached. You love, but your love gives freedom—and, when you give freedom to the other, you are free. Only in freedom does your soul grow.”Love, Freedom, Aloneness: The Koan of Relationships: Osho
In a culture that proclaims to be vastly individualistic—romantic relationships have quickly become the overall goal for acquiring love, commitment, and acceptance. While love in itself is a wonderful feeling and emotion, the apparent stressed importance of experiencing love through romantic relationships seems to be a bit exaggerated. For decades, the mentality of ‘finding one’s other half’ has been marketed and sold to the masses. Books, movies and social media (a.k.a ‘relationship goals’) serve to reemphasize this apparent importance of ‘finding your other half’. However, something that is even more important than securing a romantic relationship is nurturing the relationship with ourselves.
When we talk about looking for our “better half”, we subconsciously enable this idea that wholeness relies upon someone else. While love is integral to our being, it does not only lie within the confines of a romantic relationship. Wholeness, as well as love, is self-made. When we are able to maintain this truth— that we came into this earth as fully whole and capable beings- the search stops for someone or something else to complete us. Time has proven again and again that no amount of external validation, gifts or people will mask how we feel about ourselves internally. A person can love us with everything they have but it will never amount as much to us loving ourselves.
Furthermore, when we sit in our wholeness we are able to accept being alone. Aloneness is not to be confused with loneliness. Loneliness speaks of lack; feeling that something is missing or being incomplete. Very often, loneliness is the feeling that one runs away from when they are in futile search of something external to complete them. Aloneness, however, is maintaining personal individuality, love, presence and being. When one sits in their aloneness, their validation, love, and wholeness come from within- from the acceptance of who they are, the enjoyment of what they like and knowledge of simply being enough. When a person is able to come to this remembering- that they always have been and are whole, then those proceeding relationships come from choice and not a necessity. This means that if someone is not treating us the way we deserve to be treated, we leave. Being alone isn’t a threat to our happiness, not honoring ourselves is. If someone not in alignment with us and our path, we bid them farewell and wish them the best. Life is a journey for each of us so why would we knowingly restrict someone else’s or even our own experience and growth?
Going through the process of nurturing ourselves, sitting in aloneness and embracing our wholeness allows for the most beautiful of relationships to form: the one with ourselves. When a partner does show up—just as whole and loving—one gets to experience a love that is not based on conditions of filling a void but is fulfilling, nurturing and free.
Genuinely Jannah 