Deep-seated anger—you know, the type of anger that makes you feel restless. When you hear something that feels so contrary to your nature, you feel the slightest bit of resistance in your body and suddenly, the need to lash out! To yell, to scream “SEE ME! HEAR ME! Feel me”
Yeah, that type of anger.
I think we each feel it. It’s been such a wild two years hasn’t it? All the hopes and dreams of what we built on the fragility of “security” wasted away as a virus came in and snatch the rug from underneath our feet. Reminding us that safety and security was never quite that safe. Oh but we knew this. We knew it. Don’t lie—haven’t there been a many of times that you walked outside to take a stroll around the block and a young man smiled in your face, his eye lingering a bit longer than you’d like? And you found yourself confused, wondering “do I have something on my face?”
You felt it—in times were you were prompted to speak aloud in front of a group of people and not only to speak aloud but to speak CLEARLY. Efficiently. Effectively. To move people with a deep sense of conviction and admiration. And safety was stripped away just as quickly as you were asked to speak, wondering “what would they think about me?”
Living in the illusion of safety has helped us only in as so far as we are able to see it’s illusion. To understand that safety means to truly feel that you have a right to be here. Deep in your bones, to feel it vibrate in your soul, “I have a right to be here. To exist”. But a good majority of us do not feel this.
How could we? Our history is convoluted with so much pain and suffering, the stripping of our very humanity and oh, the tales and stories of slavery! A sure disease that makes us feel so unworthy.
Yeah, this anger is layered deep.
I’ve been frustrated. How have we sold ourselves a tale of lies? Lies that have made us so unseemingly, we have forgotten that to walk on this earth is not a privilege but a birth right. That to exist is to play out Gods plan perfectly and to create is to truly be free. I’ve been angry.
And so many will say—“a woman?? Angry? A black woman at that, not a foreign sight—it’s to be expected! They walk the earth so bitterly, of course you would find the likes of her angry.”
But you see…my anger is holy. From the same womb that created this existence, I gaze into your face and witness bliss. The sweet symphony of all of humanity, a gift that has been graced to touch the Holy Mother, as feet kiss the ground that created our flesh. As spirit sanctified our breath.
So you see, hell yeah, I’ve been angry. We are so much more that we have become to be if only we would allow ourself to ascend gracefully. To remind each other that money, prestige, the likes of intellect and the mind can hardly superseded the stirrings of the heart and spirit that created all that be.
I hope our anger allows us to wash to the shore of God’s feet and infinite awakening gently.
Have you ever experienced a moment where you are feeling overworked, exhausted or a lack of motivation?
We live in a society that tells us that we must find a way to sustain ourselves, build an accumulation of power, turn our creativity in to profit and be of some help to others. In this same society, there is an overemphasis of intellectualism, “following the herd” mentality and overworking. In this paradigm, there is this created image of success that glamorizes monetary wealth but sacrifices inner spiritual relationship to God and Self. This overexertion can cause one to feel undervalued, overworked and still yet, under-appreciated which of course makes way for one to experience something that many of us abhor – burn-out.
Burn-out literally feels the way it sounds, as previous innocent intention give away to others expectations or requirements of your behavior, work ethic or social responses. We begin to move in ways that we do not quite understand—like saying “yes” just to say “yes” and fearing the repurocutions (sp?) if we were dare utter our “no”. We begin to take jobs that we do not truly enjoy, simply so that we can “pay the mortgage”. We stay in relationships that no longer feed us for fear of being alone and/or undesirable. We pay attention to what others are doing because we don’t trust that we know what’s good for us and we hate ourselves for it. We begin to lie to ourselves about our innermost feelings because if we truly faced our sufferings we feel that we would crumble. Until one day—we do.
This is burn out. It’s the moment where you realize that you have walked way too far along the wrong path and still have not found a way back home. Feet burning, legs aching, you frantically run amuck in circles, searching for a kind place to lie your head, some semblance of peace but find only suffering. And that’s when you realize your suffering comes from a place where you can no longer hide—within yourself.
If you read any of this and began to cringe as if bugs crawled beneath your skin, I want you to know that you are not alone. Many people around the globe feel like this every single day. Many people have felt this way for years and still dragged their feet along a stubborn path to a home they knew was never meant for them. And they pay in their suffering, in their lack of self-worth or self-respect, in their meekness and frailness in spirit. They pay in their lack of and resentment of living.
This is a story we hear all too often. But aren’t you tired of hearing this story? Aren’t you tired of living it? I know I was. Burn out should not be shunned or quietly placed in the back of our pockets or the corners of our mind when we hear its shadows heavy foot steps, but invited in so that it can burn through foundations of a home that was never built on truth. Its fire rekindles a sense of surrender as it strips us away from false illusions and places us into our hearts. And through withstanding the pain of loss; of shame; of guilt; the freedom of truth—we are left to look at the pieces of material left in its dust and make the conscious decision to begin this process of starting anew. Of creating a home built from the vibrations of a child’s innocent laughter; walls painted in the love of our ancestors; brick by brick built from the strength of resilience; protected from prayers in tongue from holy mystics; dripping in the creative and loving spirit of The One.
And I…. well I am your neighbor helping you to put layers of brick upon brick, while sharing beautiful stories of women and men who made it their life’s mission to live well. To live honorably. To be authentic. Listening to your story, I am the one who reminds you that we are beyond our past, actively stitching together old wounds and forgiving ourselves for past ignorance. I am your neighbor sharing from the fruits of my garden, teaching you to plow, tend the soil, plant the seed and water natural life. In the hopes that my fruits and your growing fruits become our fruits sharing with one another recipes of old, basking in the wonderous blessings of living.
Okay, I say interesting and I know many of you may be thinking “how about, horrible”.
Honestly enough, 2020 has been one of the most unpredictable, crazy and amazing years of my life. This year was paved with opportunity for distraction, misinformation, programming and difficulty. But it was also paved with deeper connection, truth, love and assistance. And as I continue to reflect on the lessons in this current stage of my life, I also realize how resiliency has been such an important characteristic to be able to manage during a time like this.
And brace yourself, its only about to get more heated.
However, internally I found myself tuning into a quiet place of solitude, rest and recovery that I’d had previous glimpses of existence. This brought me back to other cycles of my life, where I’d truly learned the meaning of connection. Solitude being a place of restoration for me, where I can put my guard down and confront myself. See myself in its rawest form. I fell in love with what God created. And in this love, I began to choose better for myself. I began to see that who I was is a beautiful result of God’s handiwork. Looking into intricate pieces of how the total came together; how one thought influenced a whole reality, how if one image or symbol changed – it reforms the whole story.
And then come the difficult parts. The witnessing self-sabotaging behavior, your fear, your judgement, your shame. Its okay, we all have it – I do too. These are truths that often we want to ignore in ourselves. But at the place of the wound is the potential and medicine to heal it. This is what is means to have resilience. It means to have the ability to forgive, to bounce back from hurts and most importantly—to move forward.
Resilience requires a bit of faith. It’s the movement that allows for us to fully process stimuli, emotions and stories. It allows for us the benefit of being able to tune into surrender, then flow. And if anything was needed this year, it was to have the ability to flow. To have courage and faith. To try our best and know that sometimes that isn’t good enough. And knowing that that’s okay. To give a helping hand and kind words. To be understanding and patient. To see another smile on another’s face. To fully tune into living and loving. This is what its all about.
So as we close 2020, I pray for each of you the gift of resilience. This year has been a tough one and if you’re reading this than I owe you a congratulations. You graduated.
Now, onto the next level. And for this, resilience will need to be in your toolbelt.
Fraught with fear, each of us has been the victim of deep programming that has taken place over the course of millennia. With our descent into this earthly plane, we have been sold this story of illusion where we were stripped of divine nature and placed into a universe that was somehow separate from us. Never mind that we contain all of the stuff that the universe is created from, no—we were sold this story of separation, creating disillusionment and amnesia of who we truly are.
Are you ready for remembrance?
Over the course of the past three years, I’ve been diving deeper into the spirituality of my native peoples. My forefathers and foremothers knew of no belief that created division but only of the One true Creator from which all of Creation derives. This Creator could be found mirrored in all of creation, as the patterns in trees modeled the pattern in human anatomy, veins coursing through taut skin make from earths dirt like roots running in the core of Gaia. A mirror of all of creation, reflections posing back up to the Creator. This spirituality forgotten the longer we stayed on this earthly plane and began to create the illusion of separateness through category, different symbols, language, culture and of course, race.
At the core of it all, we are all one, each seeking a place to call home. In their disillusionment, many may search for home in a place, a country, a temple or even a persons arms. Search we may, the answer is certain. As we continue to have this communal experience with everything in nature speaking back to us, our home is and has always been in the One from which we were never separate. In the One whom exists when all ceases to endure, when play ceases to continue and the curtains close. The witness, ever present and ever knowing.
The deprogramming is dissolving the illusion of separation created by egoic chains. The ego wishes to create this illusion of separateness to maintain the arrogant story of self-importance. In truth, we are important because we are One, not separate into fractal pieces each fighting for selfish power and domination. The infinite connection is a birthright known by our ancestors, a hidden truth they’d fought to understand. The true seeker understand that there is no truth to be sought. It has always been within, waiting to be recognized.
And so it has always been. We are here. We are whole. We are one.
Genuinely Jannah 